dah is in the hospital getting a blood transfusion right now. i was thinking about her and the blood and closed my eyes and was there in the hospital room in the blood in her body seeing the inside of her body (cancer) moving in her body and then just being inside of her or being blood being. dark and red. i wanted to just send her strength and be with her for a moment but it was different than that it was like a long meditation of fully holding one concept (the new blood in her body) in my mind. and holding and holding (neutrally almost). maybe that's prayer...

today i had 9 vials of blood taken out of me too. i can watch them put the needle in, watch the blood come out, not really feel pain but then inevitably about halfway through i look at my blood in the plastic container spilling out and i feel like a traitor and think omg i need you back in here, how can i let this leave me with no ritual or knowledge of where it's going.