i had a beautiful realization about living, about my brain, the future.....
i was reading the lathe of heaven by ursula le guin which was majorly dissappointing and not at all like earthsea...i had just spent a few hours today looking through really beautiful jewelry and things that i would like to make and people's work i am into, the same way as when i look at geodes and gems for a long time, or spend hours making things so that later everything i think or imagine or vizualize is actually constructed from rocks and jewels and caves and prisms and sparkle and chains and embroidery etc. like i think about marit and loving her and it is made of strands of crystals connecting between us. or normal things like food and pens and the bus are made of labradorite and quartz and have druzzy in the center...but it's not a daydream its reality just only sometimes accessible. that is what is playing just beneath the surface in my mind and what everything is made up of.

and i get it about once a month, once every few weeks, depending on how much time i am dedicating to full on making and immersing, not obligatorily or rushed, but love of the materials and craft time so my mind is really in it. so it's only on occasion, because i only have small amounts of time because this isn't my life yet.

ok, how do i say without sounding stupid?

when you are doing what you love all the time, when that is what your eyes are seeing all the time, that is the input that is going into your brain, that is the most constantly accessible and ready to be turned into visual (different than imagination) THEN YOUR WORLD MUST BE SO BEAUTIFUL, or at least constantly related to what you are doing that is beautiful to you (if it's about beauty like mine is)

right?????

it goes the other way negatively too, probably SO MUCH more often, everything is tedius and cold and dreary and depressing and rote and mechanical.

BUT THAT IS SO MUCH FUCKING POWER

oh, i forgot the part of how i thought of that, anyway, reading lathe of heaven, not into any of the imagery, aliens, bombs, dream machines, fast action, bad writing etc. and i realized that all of those things were true BUT shit in my brain was still turning it into some beautiful landscape of crystals and geodes and threads of jewels, it was still being converted into

Building and building like a snowball. like you see it more and more because you are more and more inspired and making cooler and cooler shit and moving to new levels and also ABLE to think of so many more ideas because your brain is already there and in it you don't even have to dig. so once you get in you can keep moving so fast and build like crazy .

so maybe things just stay for occasional kaleidescopes of beauty when i've been particularly immersed, but what felt good to hope about today was that you would know what you 'should'/want to be doing because it would be like that all the time. even if it was not about beauty and it was about your baby or something, . i guess it used to happen when i worked the double farmers market, when i found myself with a free second to not think, my brain would be handing out change bills over and over and over and over. or i would be passing and passing and passing a soccer ball....so it's a consistant and obvious thing, that the visual stimulation you have during the day affects everything else, but I hadn't thought about it as being so promising in the sense of someday my life is going to be focused on what i want to do and this will be happening all the time.....

getting convoluded , not quite word thoughts

C o L o R s

me :
AQUA, TURQUOISE, GOLD
grapefruit red
magenta
red
neon green
neon red orange

figuring out the difference between turquoise and aqua, maybe they shouldn't even be categorized in the same place (will differentiate later)


t u r q u o i s e (aqua)
me
right
calm (energetic)
safe
liquid/flow
not unknown depths, safe depths, shallow water
consistency
energy
warmth
past present time connection
(essential color of childhood, most identifying color of now)
turquoise flat, aqua transparency
(pablo was also significantly turquoise, such an easy click)
not gendered
turquoise = flat, aqua = multilayered transparencies

l a v e n d e r
(with a pink hue) sweet, but not too so
a cool depth
(without a pink hue) nothing 'sweet' or young
wisdom
age
coolness
woman (in the sense of age, knowledge, like a therapist or elder, not femininity)
a more intellectual but intimately 'nature' color
semi flat
rectangular and long

d a r k b l u e (lots, maybe I have to divide into royal and midnight)
stability
safety
calm
bear
slow energy but continual motion
parents
profound depth, but simply accessible
a nearly graspable boyness, although not a “part of me,” but comforting closeness
(lapis, with gold flecks, adds the youth component, fast energy)
(fede mixed with dark green, my dad is also dark blue but mixed with hazel green)
(mom is dark blue, like an emerald, but solidly dark blue)
round, big, happy (deeper sadness)


b l a c k
everything possible
not me
separate
alluring yet un'relatable'
marit


w h i t e
presumed safety
actually coldness
depression
scary in its light
open arms
warmth
conflicting
blind


v i v i d g r e e n
growth
summer
warmth
neither safe or unsafe
unpredictable, growing moving fast
energetic
(most important color in adolescence, no longer relate)


p a l e y e l l o w
calm
peace
safety
also stagnation
danger like a yellowing page of a book
lost in time
windows (seeing out, but stuck within)
not a need for giant motion or movement
almost disappearing
(alex)


p a l e r o s e (light pink)
womb
outsides, not a deep depth
a soft enveloping warmth, different than a yellow light warmth, a deeper touch, into the tissue
safely female, not “feminine”
unrelated to time
(sometimes althea although only one component, but a specific specific althea feeling, or a color I learned from althea? Also conjures mariah)


m i d - r a n g e g r e y
softness
safe in its unsharpness
cozy, not necessarily warm, neither cool
unrelatable, semi-intrigueing, no danger
could never connect on a deep level, it would be all bones, the skeleton of a connection with no lasting sinew/links to create a real connection


b u b b l e g u m p i n k
disgust
distrust
fake
totally unrelatable
different realm of existence
square
flat solid


o r a n g e
bounce
excitement
so different than me
unpredictable but safe
young
also admirable
(sarah smith to a degree)



b r i g h t r e d (not blood red)
attractive
aggressive
fun
alive
not comforting
rich
safe in accents and portions
letters J and A
(josh, juan)



p u r p l e (plain, mid range, no richness, the gray kind)
dull
boring
flat
an even odd (the evenest, but still odd)
nothing back there I want to know
like bad pop clothes, like when h&m has bad colors and who are those people who buy even the bad stuff?
Skinny weak legs without shape or muscle in tights that look loose
cheap materials, but overwhelmingly boring


d a r k w o o d b r o w n
old
scary (history)
intriguing
long deep depths (often erased)
comfort
ungendered / male



COLORS THAT ARE NOT PART OF ME:
Brown
dark blue
bright red (maybe it is?)
dark green
black
pink (most)
pale blue (only eye color)
tan
dark purple, plum
maroon
orange

i was remembering when i made a really amazing little present for althea, when she was transitioning her name from amina.

i had been having such intense color feelings about it, about her.

i had just gotten a beautiful set of 100 colored pencils and i sharpened them into envelopes, one for amina, one for althea.

amina:
gold
pink
red
yellow
salmon

althea:
purple
turquoise
porcelain berries
silver
gold

i was thinking about her today though and realized another strong strong color set that she is: ginger, pale rose, grapefruit red (salmon)

i was doing a lot of color work two months ago, find that....

and of course maira kalman, always and forever

J O U R N E Y S:

~Rochester~
~Portland, ME ~ Vermont ~ Massachussettes ~
~Buenos Aires~
~Santiago ~ South and North of Chile ~
~Madrid and Barcelona~
~Zurich~
~Sweden~
~all over the usa~

dream dream dream:

an rv or trailer or awesome van
converted into a traveling craft studio
simple
a sewing machine
tiny boxes of gems and supplies
with a bed and kitchen
and three maker friends
the usa
a list of small scale craft fairs around the country
folding tables
casettes
two months

could this happen?

when i was thinking about with who, i immediately thought of maite and javiera, but they are so far

then i thought of lots of people who i would love to drive places with but who don't make small things. who are those people?

this is the most excited about something i have felt in so long, also this has been something i've been dreaming since i was about 19, just with less confidence and less sure of what I could do. now i know i can do so much :]

looking through an old favorite book:





also remembering Gaudi and the Sagrada Familia