i had a beautiful realization about living, about my brain, the future.....
i was reading the lathe of heaven by ursula le guin which was majorly dissappointing and not at all like earthsea...i had just spent a few hours today looking through really beautiful jewelry and things that i would like to make and people's work i am into, the same way as when i look at geodes and gems for a long time, or spend hours making things so that later everything i think or imagine or vizualize is actually constructed from rocks and jewels and caves and prisms and sparkle and chains and embroidery etc. like i think about marit and loving her and it is made of strands of crystals connecting between us. or normal things like food and pens and the bus are made of labradorite and quartz and have druzzy in the center...but it's not a daydream its reality just only sometimes accessible. that is what is playing just beneath the surface in my mind and what everything is made up of.

and i get it about once a month, once every few weeks, depending on how much time i am dedicating to full on making and immersing, not obligatorily or rushed, but love of the materials and craft time so my mind is really in it. so it's only on occasion, because i only have small amounts of time because this isn't my life yet.

ok, how do i say without sounding stupid?

when you are doing what you love all the time, when that is what your eyes are seeing all the time, that is the input that is going into your brain, that is the most constantly accessible and ready to be turned into visual (different than imagination) THEN YOUR WORLD MUST BE SO BEAUTIFUL, or at least constantly related to what you are doing that is beautiful to you (if it's about beauty like mine is)

right?????

it goes the other way negatively too, probably SO MUCH more often, everything is tedius and cold and dreary and depressing and rote and mechanical.

BUT THAT IS SO MUCH FUCKING POWER

oh, i forgot the part of how i thought of that, anyway, reading lathe of heaven, not into any of the imagery, aliens, bombs, dream machines, fast action, bad writing etc. and i realized that all of those things were true BUT shit in my brain was still turning it into some beautiful landscape of crystals and geodes and threads of jewels, it was still being converted into

Building and building like a snowball. like you see it more and more because you are more and more inspired and making cooler and cooler shit and moving to new levels and also ABLE to think of so many more ideas because your brain is already there and in it you don't even have to dig. so once you get in you can keep moving so fast and build like crazy .

so maybe things just stay for occasional kaleidescopes of beauty when i've been particularly immersed, but what felt good to hope about today was that you would know what you 'should'/want to be doing because it would be like that all the time. even if it was not about beauty and it was about your baby or something, . i guess it used to happen when i worked the double farmers market, when i found myself with a free second to not think, my brain would be handing out change bills over and over and over and over. or i would be passing and passing and passing a soccer ball....so it's a consistant and obvious thing, that the visual stimulation you have during the day affects everything else, but I hadn't thought about it as being so promising in the sense of someday my life is going to be focused on what i want to do and this will be happening all the time.....

getting convoluded , not quite word thoughts